When I was 15, I would watch Nerve (2016) every single day when I got home from school. I watch Romeo + Juliet (1996) on my birthday every year. Call Me by Your Name (2017) has been my comfort watch for 6 years now. Whenever I want to rekindle my love for horror movies, I rewatch The Skeleton Key (2005). My sister and I rewatch The Godfather trilogy whenever we have exhausted our list of horror films to watch next.
The first time I remember developing an obsession for a movie was in 2015, when I first watched The Bling Ring (2013). At 14, I had zero knowledge on film and just happened to stumble across the movie on Netflix as I was having lunch after school. I probably clicked on it because it had Taissa Farmiga and Emma Watson in it, knowing very little about who Sofia Coppola was. The Bling Ring continues to be my favorite of her films because it introduced me to the rest of her work which I now love so dearly (this does include her in the role of Mary in The Godfather: Part 3).
I was so excited once I heard Sofia Coppola would be directing Priscilla (2023) and I ran to watch it as soon as it was showing on theaters in Honduras. I know this didn’t end up being a crowd favorite but I did really like it- despite it being too sad for me to enjoy rewatching it ever. This movie obviously has very important themes and ideas that I won’t be touching on, but there is one scene that has stuck with me 6 months post viewing.
I don’t remember whether Priscilla was still a minor during this scene, but Elvis, who was ten years older than her, still refused to sleep with her. Priscilla then says, something along the lines of “I want to be desired”. I don’t know if it was because of Cailee Spaeny’s brilliant performance, but I think about this line nearly every single day.
I’m not sure why this specific line was so significant to me, as I am not unfamiliar to conversations on longing for male attention. Whenever my friends and I are feeling down, we joke about how divine it would be to have a man give us attention, as a little distraction. My FYP on TikTok is full of girls talking about their situationships and the things they’d do to get their attention, hoping that this is what will change their minds, make them commit. I see these videos every day, I laugh, I repost, I send them to my friends because I’ve related to them countless times. But this line was no longer funny, it’s been echoing in my mind since early January.
I guess desire is a strong word. And, wanting to be desired is an even stronger feeling. Are women even supposed to speak about this? About this feeling? Joking about it on TikTok is one thing, but to spit out with as much pain as Priscilla did in the movie is another, let alone to your own partner.
As a woman, I grew up feeling as if male attention was some sort of currency. As if being desired is what makes you valuable. However, you can’t really talk about this. Women must be desirable naturally, in a cool way- as in the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl (2014).
Every single day I think about other people’s perception of me- which I learned just last week isn’t normal- and about what could make me more desirable. And, lucky for me, the internet is trying to sell me things that will do just that every second of every single fucking day. I can’t get the idea out of my head. What will make me more attractive? What will make me more interesting?
I heard on this podcast this person thinks discipline is, like, the most attractive feature a person can have. So, I’ll make a routine, and I’ll work out every single day. I watched a YouTube video saying you really need to start wearing dresses if you want more attention, but not any dress, it must be the House of CB milkmaid dress Brooke Monk wore in that one video. Its $238 but I must have it, this is the key. At least 20 influencers on TikTok have told me that I must get the Glossier perfume cause it’s the most attractive scent. I’ll rush to buy it, even if it’s the small size because the large one is over $100.
Will going out and partying make me seem more interesting? Done. And I’ll make sure to facetime my crush afterwards everytime to make sure he knows I’m chill and a citty girl. What if I write every week? Also done. This guy said he liked my painting so I’ll hyper fixate and paint 20 more self-portraits in a month hoping I will get his attention again at least once. Would cutting my hair into a bob make men like me more? Or should I dye my hair back to its natural hair color because color theory, duh?
As I was going deeper and deeper into these ideas, I stumbled upon this idea, “Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face – there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes.
Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself.
The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.” (Fernando Pessoa).
The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart. Once again, another line that I simply can’t stop going over in my head throughout the day.
Having these thoughts every day is exhausting, to say the least, and I curse the fact that I get to see myself in the mirror every day. And I don’t even dislike what I see in the mirror, but it is so tiring to be thinking about what else I could be doing all the time.
I also wonder why I care so much. I, the person who cares the most about how I appear to the world, am also the only person who can’t see me. I can’t look at myself throughout the day, so why do I care so much? Why do these anxieties plague my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall back asleep?
I know there’s a lot more to this whole idea. The scam that is skincare, overconsumption, huge clothing hauls every week, plastic surgery, preventative fucking Botox. However, I don’t think I’m ready to jump into those topics and how I play a part in them too, despite my efforts.
Goodnight, I love you,
Marcella the Gem(ini)
la quote de how we’re not meant to see ourselves this often !! its etched into my brain!!